the correlation between motivation and blogwriting..

Hello dear friends,

I am writing tonight in the hope that I can become remotivated to do more again. I'm starting to feel intensely lazy and sluggish. It's so nice on the one hand to just be idle and lounge around, but it's not so nice feeling inactive and being mentally slow. I've been so swamped at work that it's all I can do to get through the day, but I want to believe that being more active outside of work will give me more energy through the day or at the very least let me destress.

Now that booty camp is over I need to get started on something new soon. I'm still playing dodgeball but that's only once a week and not nearly enough exercise. I am going to try running again in the mornings now that the time change has happened and it should be lighter in the mornings now, which should help! Also, I'm going to look into that boxing gym for reals. Try out a class next week in fact!

I also want to look into squash (*cough* Ryan) and badminton (*cough* Chow). Ryan did mention some courts up in the far north, but where can we play badminton, Chow?

But let's be real. My big big problem right now is food. I was trying to be good for a while, but I seem to have fallen off the wagon a little. Well, ok maybe I can't actually see the wagon anymore.. But I will have to run a little (literally) to find that wagon again!

So we're currently watching The Biggest Loser. I find my reaction to it very interesting. I think out of a need to be perverse/rebellious (I can't find the word I'm looking for!), I find myself inevitably eating junk food while I watch it. At the same time, I'm agreeing with a lot of the things they're saying and working myself up to be motivated to do more. It's kind of a weird duality. In any case, it's inspired me to write some more and go running in the morning. So we'll see how that goes! The chips I was eating during the show were delicious by the way.

Watching the show makes me reflect on my psychological barriers. I think it's hard for people who have always been fit/lean to know the psychological difficulty that exists for someone who has not been fit/lean for most of her life. It's not just about the willpower to eat less or exercise more - it's all about the hidden reasons I almost refuse to do the right things. This is me baring my soul a little! Since I've been this way for so long I find it hard to imagine a life or a body that is different. I have had glimpses here and there of what could be, but it's still really hard to picture. This is what holds me back - the fear of the unknown, I guess. And the even more secret fear that no matter what I do it won't make a difference or change my life in any significant way. And rationally I know this to be a ridiculous thought on so many levels so I'm working on it!

I do appreciate all your support, but I do also kind of feel like my milestones are things that any "normal" person can do with ease and that my achievements aren't that epic. But I can't compare myself to other people, right?

Anyways, enough soul-baring! I'm sure this is terribly boring and I'm not trying to inspire piteous or "poor baby" feelings. Just letting you know some of my thoughts. I'll try to inject more hilarity into my next post - which will hopefully be in the next few days and it will be all about the running I will have done in the morning. We'll see!

Ohya - I need to set up an *indoor* rock climbing event soon! And I have to remember to call the school nearby about their pool!

Love,

Connie

xo! :)